Troll Overboard Page 3

  I helped Gramps fit the helmet over his head and ears and seal it to the suit. He looked like one of those diver figures people put in their goldfish bowl.

  He said something, but it was kind of hard to hear through the helmet—so we all smiled and gave him the thumbs-up sign. He gave us one back and ruffled my hair as he sat down on the railing—and startled us all when he suddenly flipped backward into the water with a huge splash.

  I slowly released the air hose as Gramps dog-paddled away from the boat. I was focusing on making sure there weren’t any kinks when the boat engines suddenly roared to life behind me.

  Wait. What??

  I jerked my head around and saw the prince at the wheel.

  My blood turned to ice. What was he doing? I turned to stop him, but the ogre was right there in my face. He held up a huge paw and blew a cloud of sparkly powder in my face. Sleeping powder?? I’d seen some late-night infomercials for the stuff, but I’d never seen it in person! Wiping my face frantically, I spun around and saw that Chester and Kevin had been powdered as well.

  Sleeping powder works fast, if you’ve never experienced it. I tried to yell “What’s happening??” but it came out all garbled.

  I felt my legs turn to rubber underneath me as the ogre ran to the side of the boat and cut both the anchor rope and Gramps’s breathing tube. Panic came over me as I tried to fight the effects of the powder. I fell to my knees against the railing, trying to call out to Gramps.

  Gramps had his helmet off and was calling back to me.

  Kevin collapsed face-first onto the deck beside me, followed by Chester.

  The last thing I saw before my eyes closed was the prince’s ogre inflating an emergency raft and tossing it in Gramps’s direction.

  The last thing I heard was the prince laughing and singing something that sounded like “Gonna get me some tall beans, yes I am!!”

  And then I was just gone.

  • 7 •

  ALL ABOUT THE BEANS

  I came to with a start—I mean, the prince’s little ferret face isn’t the nicest thing to open your eyes to on a good day. As I looked around trying to remember where I was, a headache the size of a Lard Mammoth landed on top of my head.

  Then it all came flooding back to me, as well as the realization that I was tied up. I bolted upright.

  “GRAMPS!! Where’s my gramps?!?”

  “Aw. I see you’re confused.” The prince was right up in my face, and his cheese breath wasn’t making my headache any better.

  “Let’s wake your fellow peons up and I’ll explain.”

  With that, Trunk stepped away from driving the boat and threw a bucket of seawater onto the three of us. Chester and Kevin came awake gasping and sputtering.

  The prince sat on a box right in front of us and waited patiently for the other two to remember where they were. I spent the time telling him I’d kill him if my gramps didn’t make it back and trying to burn his face off with my eyes.

  Roquefort finally spoke up. “Everybody awake? Excellent! Because it’s time I explain the real purpose of our little excursion.”

  Chester struck out with his foot, but the prince ducked back. The toe of Chester’s goofy jester shoe missed Roquefort’s chin by an elf hair.

  “Ahh! Ha-ha. Not a good move, clown. One more move like that and Trunk will gladly toss you and your ridiculous hat overboard.”

  I felt heat coming off of Chester as he spoke.

  Only he didn’t say a series of symbols. He said the real words. I saw a tiny look of shock cross the prince’s face before he went on.

  “I bet you dolts thought we were way out at sea before! While you were all getting your beauty rest, we’ve been making excellent time.”

  I craned my neck to look over the boat’s railing and what I saw alarmed me. For starters, there was no land to be seen. But even worse, the sky had grown a lot darker. As I looked, a bolt of lightning streaked across the sky. Kevin made a startled sound.

  “I know, I know. We’re headed into the storm. I hadn’t foreseen that, but we’re almost to the Berundi Rectangle, so we shouldn’t be here long.”

  And that . . . is when Kevin lost his mind.

  He started yelling and whining and passing out, repeatedly. Like one of those sleeping goats I’ve seen online.

  “The Berundi Recta . . .??” Unconscious. “Have you lost your horrible little . . . ??” Out cold. “Nobody comes out of the . . . !!” Gone again.

  “Shut your pig up!” Anger flashed across Roquefort’s face. “So annoying!” He took a second to compose himself before going on.

  “Here’s the deal. You know the old story about that dairy farmer Jack? And his beanstalk? And about the magic beans he used to grow said beanstalk?”

  I glared at him, listening to Kevin hyperventilating behind me.

  “Anyhoo, it was a long, long time ago, and my dad’s dad—Good King Fredwin—had all the magic beans in the kingdom gathered up and destroyed. I guess Sky Giants kept climbing down the beanstalks people were growing and stomping around with all their ‘Fee Fi Fo Fum’ nonsense. Ate some livestock and knocked over a bunch of houses.”

  “So he had the stalks torn down and ruled that the beans be tossed into the ocean. Into the dreaded Berundi Rectangle, to be exact.”

  The prince chuckled. “Let me make this simple enough that even you’ll understand.” He stood up to drive the point home. “Those beans had magic in them. Making gigantic beanstalks wasn’t their only trick.”

  He stood up and looked out past the front of the boat. Then he shouted up to Trunk. “That buoy says this is it! Cut the engines!”

  The engines shut off. Roquefort turned and leaned against the railing. “Now that we’re on the same page, we’re going to untie you . . . but with a serious warning.”

  Suddenly the only sound was the gentle waves lapping against the side of the boat and a low rumble of thunder. Kevin shivered.

  Roquefort was really enjoying this. It was his chance to act like a supervillain in a superhero movie.

  “So, I found in an old scroll—and your stupid wizard friend Rebb confirmed it—those old magic beans have crazy magic in them. The kind of magic that would make me something I’ve never been . . . Something I’ve always wanted to be . . .”

  The prince looked irritated.

  “No, buffoon. It would make me . . .”

  We all sat there for a second, letting that sink in.

  “You did all of this for a TALL PILL?!?” I felt the troll blood surge into the tips of my ears. “You stranded my gramps in a raft at sea for something you could have done with some PLATFORM SHOES??!?”

  Trunk, busy loosening my ropes, popped me on the head hard enough that my teeth clacked and I saw stars.

  I stood up and stepped out of the ropes as Trunk cornered Kevin and Chester. “Try sumthin’. I dare ya.”

  “Listen, troll.” Prince Roquefort stepped forward as the sun disappeared behind the storm clouds. “These beans don’t make you just an inch taller. Or a couple of inches taller. We’re talking REAL height. NBA height. And height is power. Just ask Trunk there.”

  Trunk was too busy towering over my friends to reply. Kevin was quiet for once, lost in thought. Then he looked up, sheepish but interested. “NBA height? Seriously?”

  The prince ignored him and kicked a box over to me. “Time for us to suit up.”

  “You don’t think I’m going down there alone, do you?” The prince rolled his eyes. “And Trunk has to stay here with these losers. There’s a diving suit in there that should fit you.”

  I felt that familiar kick of troll anger. It was coming up from my toenails this time. “If you think I’m going to help you find your stupid little . . .”

  The prince smiled. “That’s fine, Zarf, but the sooner we get the beans, the sooner we can go get your gramps. I mean,
we threw him a couple bottles of water and a raft, but . . .”

  I was shaking as I ripped the top off of the cardboard box, revealing a neatly folded diving suit and helmet. “Let’s get your stupid beans and get out of here!”

  • 8 •

  SOGGY BEANS

  I stepped up to the railing as a huge clap of thunder shook the boat, bringing a long, high-pitched squeal out of Kevin.

  I turned to the prince and yelled to be heard over the gusts of wind. “This is insane. You know that, right? We’ll probably get electrocuted.”

  “Then we’d better be fast . . .” He looked over at Kevin. “Unless you like fried bacon.” He stepped up and shoved me, just hard enough that my thighs hit the railing and I flopped over backward into the water.

  As soon as I went under, I was struck by the quiet. With the wind and the rumbling thunder taken away, all I could hear was my breathing and my heart pounding.

  There was a splash, and as the bubbles cleared, I saw the prince next to me. He lit up two flashlights, stuck one in my hand, and indicated I should lead the way. So I swam off, making sure to give him a couple of “accidental” kicks to the faceplate.

  Side note: If you have some creepy, suspenseful music handy, now would be a good time to put it on.

  The diving suits are fairly heavy, so as soon as we let some air out of them, we started sinking into the darker water below. I had no idea how deep the ocean was here, but I was willing to bet we weren’t going to reach the bottom any time soon.

  It got darker as we sank, and my breathing started to speed up. I saw a couple of bizarre-looking fish slide past—one looked a little like Principal Haggard.

  There was a blast of static, and I heard Prince Roquefort’s voice in my ears.

  “Try not to speak until spoken to, troll, but I had two-way speakers put in the helmets.”

  We passed a coral reef with the front half of a wrecked ship collapsed on top—a barnacle-covered carving of a mermaid gracing the bow.

  We drifted along for quite a while before we saw the first bean leaf. It was so large, I thought it was the back of a whale at first. But as soon as the whole shape revealed itself, the prince went nuts.

  If we’d been on dry ground, I’m sure he would have been jumping up and down, but as we were suspended underwater, it just looked like an awkward little squirm.

  I was stunned. I hadn’t expected to find a single trace of the beans, much less these monstrous stalks.

  We landed on a leaf. It was as big as a king-sized bed and barely moved under our weight. We walked to where it joined the enormous gnarled stalk, which disappeared into the dark water above and below us. It must have been six feet wide at this point.

  Beyond the stalk I could just barely make out a couple of others. It was an entire grove of the things!

  I turned to the prince. “We’re here. Can we grab some of your beans and go?”

  The prince got down on his hands and knees, peeking over the side of the leaf.

  He was looking up and down the plants. “Where on the stalks do the magic beans grow?”

  Groan. He couldn’t have looked this up before?

  I walked over and stepped off the leaf, looking for the next one to drift to. “Well, let’s figure it out quick, genius.” The prince got back to his feet and jumped after me. We drifted past a few leaves, inspecting the stem and all the gross squiggly strands coming off of it. I craned my neck, looking at the bottoms of the leaves and wishing I’d paid better attention in Mr. Greenthomb’s botany class.

  I was about to lose hope when the prince started squealing in my ear. Let’s go ahead and rank that as one of the “Ten Most Annoying Sounds on the Planet.”

  “Eeeeeeee!! Look!! Down there!! On that other stalk!!”

  I followed his flashlight beam and saw what looked like a cluster of multicolored beans, nestled in beside a thorn longer than my leg. They seemed to be lightly glowing, and about the size of those small Nerf footballs.

  I was relieved to see them. We could grab a couple and head up top and try to beat the storm out of here. “Well, let’s go get ’em.”

  We stepped to the side of the leaf and launched ourselves off in that direction.

  We were falling because of the weight of the suits, on course to reach the beans . . . when I got the snot knocked out of me by what felt like a freakin’ freight train.

  • 9 •

  NOT SO FAST

  I think my brains got scrambled in the hit, because it took me a full minute to figure out what was happening.

  I yelled at Roquefort. “WHAT WAS THAT??”

  His voice was breaking up. The two-way speakers were shorting out. “It looked like . . . big green . . . extra-long school bus . . . fins!! And teeth!!”

  I backpedaled to stop the spinning. I was twisting around trying to see better—which was really hard to do in this helmet—and listening to the prince have a static-filled panic attack.

  Roquefort had settled on a leaf about six feet below me. Suddenly, a shape started to emerge from the dark below him. My heart jammed into my throat—it was some kind of sea serpent. A big fat one the size of a dump truck, and it was coming straight up at us.

  “BRACE YOURELF!” I yelled, hoping he could hear me. “GRAB THAT LEAF LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT . . . BECAUSE IT DOES!”

  I thought the serpent was going to ram the prince, until it opened its cavern of a mouth. Roquefort was dwarfed by the toothy opening behind him and I couldn’t look away.

  The big fish-monster smashed into the leaf in an explosion of bubbles and bits of beanstalk. Its rows of sharp teeth broke through the leaf like one-ply toilet paper—and I watched with horror as Roquefort disappeared down the giant beast’s throat.

  I held on tight as the creature swept past. Scales the size of Frisbees rushed by, inches from my faceplate—and then it was moving away. It disappeared behind a couple of stalks and I was left in silence.

  I tried to swallow, but my throat had gone dry. Had that really just happened? The prince was dead??

  I couldn’t stand the little jerk, but I hadn’t wanted him to DIE!! I tried to calm my breathing and think.

  Was that thing coming back for me?

  I was untangling my air hose and fighting back a wave of fear when my speaker crackled.

  “. . . find out where in the name of the king I am, I’m going to THROTTLE you, you floppy-eared half-wit.”

  He was coming in and out, but I got the important parts.

  “. . . of COURSE I’m . . . you fur-headed . . . seem to have fallen . . . some sort of crevasse. I can’t see a thing . . . VERY tight space . . .”

  He had no idea.

  I explained as delicately as I could that he’d been . . . eaten. Swallowed, at the very least. Was currently being digested.

  “GET ME OUT OF THIS FISH, TROLL!!! I ORDER YOU!! BY ROYAL DECREE!!”

  As I hung there on the stalk, I kept imagining I saw the serpent out of the corner of my eye. That familiar panic from my nightmares was trying to overwhelm me. “Okay. Okay, okay. Let me come up with a plan.”

  Roquefort’s voice came through quietly but clearly. “Oh, great. I’m dead.”

  I drifted down to a leaf by a clump of beans. I reached up and plucked a bright orange one and held it up to my faceplate like I was eating.

  I had a hunch this serpent thing was guarding the beans. (It was a safe bet. There’s always a dragon or mountain orc or something guarding stuff.)

  At least the prince fell for my acting. “You’d better not be eating my legumes, Belford!! You’re tall enough as it is!!”

  And then I saw it—an approaching shape, gliding through the forest of beanstalks, the prince’s air hose rising from its mouth. I had to act fast.

  I reached up and grabbed on to the thorn next to the beans, taking care not to impale myself. I
grabbed on with both hands and yanked. It didn’t budge. I got a better grip, put my feet up on the stalk, and started pulling as hard as I could.

  I looked over and the serpent was almost on top of me. I saw teeth and gums and tongue—and something inside me kicked in. Troll strength? Panic juice?

  The huge thorn tore free and I clutched it to my chest just as the serpent’s mouth closed down around me. I slammed into the tongue, which promptly started forcing me down the throat. I got a disgusting front-row view of gigantic tonsils as I slid past, the opening getting tighter and tighter.

  I yelled out to the prince. “Okay! I’m in the serpent too. Coming your way.”